Still Infertile

It has really been a week of it in terms of our infertility. I've restarted the pill to help manage my endo until I can speak to a specialist in September, while the chances of us falling pregnant naturally are minute they're even less if I'm on the pill. I hate that I am back on synthetic hormones, I hate that it's probably going to make me spotty and swollen and hormonal and I hate more that it eliminates the slightest hope of a natural conception. Daft I'm sure but has definitely made me a little blue. 

 Then our first Fertility clinic called because we have what's left of M's sperm in storage with them and it's that time of year where we have to make a decision... Pay another year's storage fees or discard them. Due to their quality and the clinics policies they need to be destroyed, not used for scientific purposes. 

 We moved to embryo donation because using our own genetics just wasn't working. We did a lot of therapy around that decision and I'm so so glad we went the way we have as it has given us our beautiful girl, and we wouldn't change anything about her for the world. The obvious decision is to discard the sperm. Money is too tight on maternity leave to keep paying when we're likely never going to use them, they are terrible quality and immature and my eggs are broken and few anyway so if we did seek another child down the line it would be E's frosty or different donors. So why does it feel like such a blow to choose to discard them..? 

Possibly that odd thought in the back of my head that maybe with the advancement of science and a lottery win we could decide to use them down the line. Maybe just the blood (his) and tears (mostly mine) it took to get them here in the first place. My poor Mr really went through the ringer to do that. 

 Or maybe just the knowledge that the straws that were with those sperm managed to produce enough to join with the few eggs I managed to produce and for the first and only time he and I managed to create something tiny and pure from a bit of both of us and that won't happen again and I still have a part of me that grieves our little embryos that couldn't. 

 I suppose ultimately it is just the final closed door in that chapter of our journey and I didn't expect such a strong emotional upset over what practically is such a simple and straightforward thing. 

 I feel so unbelievably privileged to have our daughter, I adore the bones of her and the genetic link or lack of doesn't change that in the slightest. If anything I'm even more in awe of her creation and the honour it is to play a part in that. I feel like this and her are two entirely separate entities. I'm so blessed with our life but the infertility scars are still there and still open, which means sometimes they still hurt is that something that ever goes or is it something we just learn to live with?