An open letter to a newly pregnant fertile friend

To My Beautiful Friend, 

This is a selfish letter, I want you to read it but I don't want you to see it; it's important for you and your joy that you don't. It isn't fair to burden you but I need to write it here, anonymously, all the same. "I was happy for them but sad for me" I understand the sentiment and have used this phrase but I don't think it scratches the surface of the complexities of what pregnancy announcements can provoke in someone having trouble conceiving. 

Their are some massive hypocrisies in how I feel, this in turn means that you are at a distinct disadvantage in being able to do the right thing, regardless of how good your intention is. "I was happy for you but sad for me" in itself is a paradox, is it really possible to feel both? I would suggest that it is, and so much more

To give you a range of what I have thought in the recent days since you gave me your news:

Happy for them vs. Sad for me - I am happy for you, truly I am, this is what you want, you and your partner are happy and excited about your news quite rightly, I am excited to see you grow in this and be there as your friend. I am sad for me because I am simply gutted that it isn't our time yet and your joys reminds me of our void.

Don't Tell Me vs. Tell Me - I want to know everything and nothing. Don't leave me out; I feel left out and ostracised enough as it is (through my mind not yours) but equally know your audience, don't be insensitive that I am struggling with it. Use your friends who are mums to complain about nausea or cramps,  I'm probably not the person to bring that to.

Be supportive vs. Don't make a big deal - Acknowledge this is hard for us, our infertility battle has been going on for years now, each time something else fails or is delayed we find things a bit harder and hope a bit trickier to hold on to, you are aware of our journey, you've seen the pain it brings us so I am asking you to be sensitive of our struggle. At the same time, I don't want to develop dusty elbows, I don't need to feel shittier about my infertility than I already do with out people rubbing my elbows and asking if I am ok. There are only so many ways you can say "No I am not ok but I don't need to have this conversation" or deny yourself/your journey/your pain by saying "Yes I am fine". Don't use our struggle as part of your story.

Don't worry about me vs. Be considerate - You have every right to enjoy every aspect of your pregnancy freely, without fear or backlash or hurt - full stop. I would hope as your friend I am a good enough person to ensure this happens and I hope as my friend you would be considerate enough to recognise that I may not always be able to fully partake and while I wouldn't ever want you to hold back on your journey please bear with me if I just can't.

In writing this letter I have noticed that the biggest contradictions I have come across are simply this:

I am torn between being a good friend to you and protecting myself, I want to do as much as possible to be there for you and enjoy this for you but the infertility has created pain and rawness and trust issues in me. This isn't fair and importantly isn't your fault and, bluntly, isn't your thing to worry about, it's our problem, not yours. All I ask is that you allow me time to process this, as and when I need, so that I'm not a bad friend to you.

All My Love,

TeamEndoAtYourCervix

xxx