15 Week Update

15 weeks of our little lady and all the joys she brings. Baby E has well and truly found her hands and loves to chew on her thumbs, usually 2 at a time! We have had thousands of smiles and the giggles have just begun - utterly heart melting! 

Her hair gets crazier by the day and her range of coo's, squeals and shouts grow everyday. She is still not a fan of tummy time but gets closer to rolling front to back each day. It's a privilege to watch her grow - though I often wish it would slow down a bit! She totally stole the show with our family in Ireland recently and seeing my Nan and her together - the oldest and the youngest in the family - makes me go all gooey inside.

It has been 15 weeks also of getting my head around my post partum body, recovering from the c section and figuring out what on earth my endo is doing. I am so proud of what my body has done, I am also still working through all the things it hasn't been (and still isn't) able to do, infertility does that to you.

 

I feel like in 2022, with female empowerment being so prevalent and the world being more accepting than ever of people in every size I should embrace it but... I don't like how I look post partum... there I said it! 

I don't like my tummy and the hang above my scar left from the c section, I don't like how my boobs look or feel and I don't like the extra weight I haven't shifted yet - I just don't feel very attractive. I am sad that I couldn't breastfeed for long yet my boobs have suffered big time, I am angry that my endo is back and seems to be worse than ever when it flares and I am a little dejected that something happened inside me so that I wasn't able to birth E vaginally and may now never experience that.

Now don't get me wrong, I wouldn't change any of these things for the world as it brought me my little girl safe and well but I am in a position to change my weight and how I look - not for anyone else but for me. I adored my pregnant body, I felt womanly and whole and sexy, I loved dressing it to show off my bump and to feel good. I'm craving that feel good feeling again so I think it's time I squared myself away.

I have a wedding to attend and a holiday at the end of August so they are my goal and I would like to lose 2 stone and then see how I feel from there. I have 18 weeks to do it in so that works out at 1.5lbs a week, even I should be able to manage that! I don't want to look back at pictures of me with my family and miss the memory through hating what I see so Operation Feel Good is a go-go!