33 week update

Piplet is measuring small, according to midwife about 5 weeks small, she is going to check with consultant about next steps and let us know. Especially as he/she is still transverse (sideways across my belly). The Midwife thinks my endo could be involved as did the consultant - scar tissue may be in the way, stopping pip moving around, the potential cause for my reduced movements but we don't know for sure. When monitored baby looks well but I'm not feeling them much so being monitored A LOT. The heartbeat is good, movements though still faint, today they are good enough, if he/she isn't stuck then they could flip head down at any point and if not a C section will be required to bring him or her in to the world. I am hoping and praying little one is just dinky and comfy and will move in to position ahead of time.

I feel pretty rubbish generally, like I'm not doing so well at this. Old infertility insecurities are lingering in the background making me nervous - is my body going to fail us? Have we come this far to only come this far? Is this the universes way of telling me I was never meant to be pregnant?

 All coupled with new scares and worries around being a good parent; am I doing enough to look after this little one? Am I eating enough of the right things to help them grow? Is it my disease that's hurting my baby? I know what I'd say to any of you that had these questions and insecurities and I know what most of you would/will and have told me but we know we are our own worst critics. 

I've cried a lot today. I won't belittle my emotions by blaming hormones. The feelings are very real. I have a month left of work and work is challenging at best lately. I also have a stinking cold (not covid - have checked) and I am exhausted - constant trips to MAU and being monitored, not sleeping well and 3rd trimester fatigue are grinding me down but right now I'm going for a soak in the tub to de-stress, I'm looking forward to seeing my girlfriends for lunch this Saturday (I decided against a baby shower so doing this instead - perfect!) and spending some time with my gorgeous Mr too. I am still so blessed to be in this position and wouldn't swap out for anything.

 My app tells me Pip is size of a butternut squash today, we have come a long way from an apple pip- maybe just a little squash... we love him/her all the same and hope we have a long way still ahead 💛