Third trimester approaching!

Since I became pregnant I have had a hard time knowing what to put in this blog. It has been a blog about getting/not getting pregnant for so long and I'm a little unsure about where to take it now. I am aware of the pain my pregnancy may bring to others who aren't at the stage I am at. I remember too clearly seeing another announcement and wondering when will it be me. I am also aware that for me personally while we were going through our treatment seeing other people's IVF working was a strong sign of hope and positivity so while I hope that is the case for many people reading this I am aware that I don't fit in to one category at the moment. If this causes you any pain please, please, don't read it - that is the last thing I wish for anyone.

Pregnancy after infertility comes with its own bag of worries and insecurities, I'm sure every newly pregnant family have these but when you've been subjected to the pain and loss that so many of us have in our community the fear is very present and very real, I feel like maybe this isn't totally understood by some of those who have found conception and pregnancy quite straightforward. While I don't blame these people it does make it somewhat isolating when you try to express the concerns you have. An example of this would be nerves before a scan - I get especially nervous before a scan, I'm sure lots of people do but I feel it as a genuine something is going to go wrong fear, when you go through the treatments we have and have the many "bad news" chats, I think you become pre-conditioned that every meeting or appointment is going to come with a disappointment or loss but everyone I spoke to was so excited for us, when I explained I was nervous that was met with "Don't be daft, what have you got to be nervous about!" - this was said with love and meant to be reassuring - it wasn't and instead I felt unheard and, well... daft! Did I say anything - of course not!

We have been incredibly blessed in our pregnancy so far, baby is thriving, the phrase "everything is as it should be" has come up in every appointment and this is a novel and very welcome phrase. Our 20 week scan was a few weeks ago and baby is perfect, although not playing ball - I had to go and pee, I had to drink cold water, walk around, wriggle, lie on my side - all to get the measurements they needed but all of this meant we got more time watching our little cutie wriggle and roll around in there. 

My mum came with me this time, it was a really beautiful moment watching her watching them - she cried of course! So lovely and something I can't wait to tell Pip all about when they're older. Just a reminder that they want this little grandchild of theirs as much as we do!

I haven't cried at my scans very much, I think I have been overawed at it all, I have cried at the end of the scans but it's been more like I don't want to miss a moment of it with tears so my body doesn't let the emotion out until I've seen as much of Piplet as possible.

3rd trimester starts next week and it feels like it has both flown by and dragged getting here. Pip has been great consistently but true to form my body has struggled a little, pains, aches, pre-eclampsia signs, urine infections, endo sneaking up uninvited on top of the "usual" pregnancy symptoms but for the most part I feel quite well, I'm used to pain - sad but true and am truly loving being pregnant. Now that I can feel Piplet (and so can M) it feels like we are bonding so much more and I couldn't be prouder of what my body is doing - especially after so long doubting whether it could. 

So if you're reading this and wondering where this post is going, the truth is I don't know, and I don't know where this blog is going either but I like it, I like its reality and rawness and I hope it brings something to some of you on similar journeys to feel less isolated in this pregnancy after infertility chapter that we find ourselves in and if you aren't here yet I hope this isn't a place of pain for you.