Supporting each other during our IVF journey

Please let me start by saying - to any of you choosing to do fertility treatment without a partner, you are truly incredible! The strength you have is inspiring and this post is in no way whatsoever intended to disrespect you or hurt - this is just my experience of our fertility journey with me and my Mr.

We are one of those nauseating couples I am afraid, soppy facebook updates on Valentine's Day, hold hands out and about, cuddle in bed at night, miss each other in the day when we are both working- the whole shebang. I suppose this post is a continuation of that! Sorry, not sorry!

Our first round M was very much involved, him more than me initially with surgeries and SSRs, attending every appointment - all of the form filling etc. Once we started the medication it became much more about me - managing the injections, how I was feeling, how the eggs were growing, cyst aspiration, egg collection etc once they were collected it was very much back to both of us. Both of us felt the wait -both of us on the end of the phone for the embryologists calls and both of us reeling from the news when it failed.

They say that a large scale life event - and don't underestimate it; IVF is exactly that, can either bring you closer as a couple or fracture you and I can absolutely see how it can go both ways but for us it brought us closer than ever. The day the round failed M was phenomenal, he told our loved ones when I found it too painful to say the words out loud again, he let me scream and cry, we clung to each other for literally hours, he did everything - all while feeling all of the things I was feeling too, his strength that day both amazes and saddens me and we have talked about it often since, my fear that he was being strong for me meaning maybe he hadn't dealt with it himself but he assures me that wasn't the case.

I think there are two types of people, those who are results driven and those who are guilt driven. We understand that both of us are guilt driven, I explain this best in that my motivation to empty the dishwasher is so that he doesn't have to do it rather than so that it gets done and it is the same for him - should be interesting whenever we do have a baby! This means that we are both quite likely to check up on each other or do things for each other, sometimes at the expense of our own well-being - but because we both do it the other one is looking after our individual well-being so for us it works. Don't get me wrong, this isn't as conscious a thought as that suggests but once you notice it in yourself it is quite interesting to see how it manifests.

This round feels very different. Is it our approach to it? Is it that we are using donor embryos? Or is it that it is a FET so much less physically taxing on both of us so far? Maybe we won't know until after this round, however that turns out. The form filling was the same, we have now done that twice thanks to time delays due to covid, M isn't allowed to our appointments so we made the decision to delay starting this round until he is allowed to transfer. It is so important to both of us that he is there for that. We did the counselling on the phone together, and happily we share very similar views on everything - this works well and means we are in sync with each other which calms my troubled head. I had our first scan prior to starting meds and all went well, M waited in the car - no harm done, the next scan I am going alone also but I will be on the phone the moment I am out, it will be the same for any subsequent appointments and all being well we will go t'North and M and I will attend transfer as planned - we are both looking forward to that and I know we are together at every step. 

What he doesn't realise is it is the little things that make me feel like we are truly doing this together even though it is physically being done to me, the fact that he hasn't once complained when I have been crap company and slept all evening for no apparent reason, the text he sends every single time my tablet is due without fail, blaming the tablets and giving me a cuddle when I have an irrational rage and weep because the chicken doesn't smell right so I now don't know what to make for dinner. We are only a week in! Poor guy! 

He knows me well enough to know that I have a high emotional response before I look at something logically and he patiently waits for me to reach the same conclusion that he is already at, or he humours me when I want to check the paperwork again or ask the clinic again (they must hate me). All of these things that prove how well he knows me. I am the same with him, I know that his knee jerk response to a new idea is often negative and it can take a while for him to think things through, I know that the process of him thinking things through is in order of impact on everyone else before him. but he will be quiet until he has it clear and is ready to share his thoughts. All of those big things or deep things but equally there are so many little things that mean so much to me that he has no idea about but just does because he is him and this is our baby we are making somehow, and we are totally 100% in this together and I can't think of a better yin to my yang or calm to my storm to do it with.

Happy Birthday M, I love you* ❤

*Actually posted a week after his birthday