Privacy is Fluid

Infertility is a subject with such a wildly different response to so many people. I find it staggering the amount of people that have mentioned to me that they have had fertility difficulties themselves once we have mentioned that we are going through treatment, it is like the taboo has lifted once you know the person you are talking to may understand your position. 

It can also vary hugely depending on a number of things. Factors such as who you are talking to, where in your journey you are and your frame of mind play a huge part in how much you do or don't want to say and this is OK, say what you feel comfortable with and when; don't if you don't.

I have had a number of people asking why I am mostly anonymous on my blog and Instagram page. I grew up in a small-ish town, everyone knows everyone. Our reasons for anonymity are primarily because my step-children don't know that we are trying to conceive, our fertility difficulties are not their burden and the younger ones would still be too young to understand the complexities, I am a fully grown adult and I don't understand all of the complexities yet!

There are also people in our histories that I would rather they didn't know intimate details about our lives - former friends, ex partners, the occasional nosy family member. People that may take joy in gossip or rumour about our misfortune. I may be arrogant in thinking they would care enough to read my written mumblings but just in case a little privacy works for us, a select few people who we trust know about my page but that is it. Gossip or rumour that could hurt my step-children or future unborn children must be avoided. 

I imagine some people would say why am I sticking my private life on the internet if I don't want people to know and it is simple really, what I am sharing is my choice about my endometriosis and about our infertility both male and female factors. Breaking down those taboos is crucial! Awareness is crucial. Reducing stigma and shame is crucial. Reducing isolation in infertility is crucial. 

There is no shame in infertility, it is a medical condition that could happen to anybody but I have felt shame, I have felt less of a woman because I can't do something that should come so naturally. I still do on a bad day or after something triggers me. This is insane, rationally I know that I am still a full, whole woman and my reproductive organs have absolutely no bearing on me or my femininity.

Through my page and multiple discussions with multiple men and women both in real life and online I know that I am not alone in all of the above feelings, this isolation is brutal - continuing a "normal" life while feeling this broad range of emotions and then to feel like you can't discuss it to spare peoples discomforts. Accepting comments such as "About time it was you next!" when a bump passes and having stock responses so as not to make anyone else feel uncomfortable is hard - it shouldn't happen but so far it does. If someone asks what is wrong I should be allowed to say "My endometriosis is flaring and my period is really painful this month" instead of feeling embarrassed, but society still implies that this is "private" so shouldn't be shared.

You should be allowed to choose what is private to you, and privacy is fluid. If you decide right now that you want to keep something private then next week decide you are ready to share as long as it is yours to share then that is absolutely OK! 

I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve and we decided quite early on that we were going to tell our nearest and dearest that we were trying to have a baby. We told some of them when we moved on to actual IVF - they knew the struggles we had been through and our support network was phenomenal, they became more phenomenal when our first round failed - they truly stepped up and were there for us in a very bleak time but our difficulty was very present and I found it hard telling everyone that knew we were doing it that it had failed. Less people knew we were looking in to donor options, and less still know that we are preparing for our next round and have 2 donor frosties waiting for us. Those that do know are people in our lives that we truly treasure and trust implicitly. That doesn't mean however that the people that don't know are less trustworthy or less treasured just that they aren't involved in the same way because, again, privacy is fluid.

If we have a successful round and manage to have a baby then our privacy changes again, this child will grow up knowing all about their conception and it will become their story to share as they choose, and we are fully in support of how much they choose to tell the world and how much they don't - including looking for their donor if they wish to when the time is right. The key being in the choice. Over time I may choose to make this blog less anonymous and people may well identify us - if that happens it is OK and something we have considered because while we appreciate our privacy; there is definitely no shame.