Triggered by a trigger

I've always been a sensitive soul, I cry at films, even/especially animated ones. If I get angry I cry, which is really infuriating. I cry at happy things, like people I don't know meeting and hugging at the airport- the good kind of tears. So I don't especially mind being a sensitive person but every now and again it gets tedious.

When I get "triggered" by something infertility related it's like a grief bubble and it can hit hard. The usual 2 culprits for me are:

- Other peoples pregnancies/new baby/baby showers (not always and not everyone but often) especially if they are much younger than me.

- Seeing my OH with tiny children, toddlers, babies. Watching him reading to my Godsons both makes me warm and fuzzy and breaks my heart at the same time.

A couple of days ago I got triggered by a trigger! Literally! We are gearing up for our 2nd round so I thought I'd see what meds we have left from round 1. Dug out the med case that hasn't been out since I packed it all away immediately after our round failed. Digging through, 1 bottle left of suprecur, more needles than you'd ever need for gonal f pens and our trigger box...

The "don't throw out" and "for memory box" just went straight through me. All the positivity and hope sprawled all over it, how many eggs would this trigger yield, the positivity that this was a step closer to parenthood, to the 2 little embryos that ultimately couldn't. After everything we had done to get to this stage and a week later it was all over, nothing to freeze, nothing to transfer. 

My naivety that IVF guaranteed a baby, that even after everything we had been told and everything we knew I was still arrogant enough to think it wouldn't take us more than one round.

And all of thee above is what makes a trigger so painful, not just that you aren't a mummy yet, but after trying so hard, and getting so enmeshed in the process and every hope and thought for their future to come away still without child - there's a lot to mourn in that.