Wanting to forget

So I haven't written here in a while. I think if I'm being honest, I started this blog too soon after our first round failed. I have dozens of posts that I started and haven't finished or published, either because I found myself in fits of tears or because I thought I was being too maudlin or negative.

A big part of it was wanting to forget, allow myself to just be me instead of infertile childless me. All of you battling infertility know just how impossible that is, if you're a woman reading this you'll know that your body constantly betrays you anyway... oh my period is late, ooh I feel a bit sick, God my boobs ache! I know, rationally and categorically, that having a baby naturally is nigh on impossible for us, his sperm don't come out and my uterus doesn't have enough eggs even if they did BUT you always hear of the exception to the rule. The "we were told it would never happen and now we have 5 children all conceived naturally" story that feeds the tiny bit of hope. Makes your irrational premenstrual self think well why not us! Christ I have managed to convince myself I could be pregnant whilst on my period holding a negative pregnancy test... not healthy or productive but it has happened!

So no, you never forget, but you learn to cope, so hear I am, back in the stirrups (pun intended!) And looking ahead to our next round and possibly more importantly looking back at our first round reflectively. I think I am in a better place to understand it, learn from it and move forward whilst allowing myself the sad moments in a healthier format.

So in the vein of moving forwards I deleted the unpublished blurbs and thought I'd start afresh.