Bloody Periods

Sorry for the gross pun! But.. bloody hell periods are crap! 

*Warning* I am on my period and this post is a sweary one!

For me - I have endometriosis so my periods generally are pretty shocking. Heavy, long, awful cramps, back ache, boob ache, upset stomach and on and on. Every period is a flare up for me, I always feel physically drained and just shite. As well as the usual that every girl experiences - the grossness, fear of a leak, ruining pretty knickers, scared to cough for fear of exploding, period shits etc etc! 

I've always been jealous of my friends (bitches know who they are lol) that have no pain, 2-3 day period that a liner would do the job for - yes I am rolling my eyes. 

When you're trying to conceive (TTC) periods are a monthly painful reminder that it hasn't worked. Interspersed with several home tests, googling implantation bleeding, googling having periods during pregnancy and then at varying points for various people on various months comes acceptance that this month is not your month. As the months pass you learn that there may be more to it than just taking a long time. 

Usually interspersed with that well meaning person telling you "I know exactly how you feel! It took us 3 whole months" bugger off Susan I'm 2 years in to this and you are not helping! Always made worse when our local sadist Mother Nature decides to send old Aunt Flo a week late just to fuck with you some more! 

When you're going through fertility treatment periods take on a whole new level - the extra emotional fuckery! Like the TTC emotional fuckery wasn't enough

Looking forward to a period is rare! And still stressful! During our IVF round I was praying to get my period so we could move on to the next stage, both to start our cycle and to get to egg collection before covid shut our clinic. The doubts about my own body crept in; was today CD1 (cycle day 1) or is it not "full flow" enough (still don't really get this) what if I realise tomorrow that actually yes yesterday was CD1 and I've missed my window this month (it wasn't and I didn't but Jesus the worry would drive you demented!). 

We didn't get as far as the two week wait during our round but looking at the pages of some of the wonderful people I follow on Instagram, Twitter and on Facebook groups the sheer devastation of starting a period signalling the fact your embryo didn't implant has to be the most hideous pain and my heart breaks for all of you. I am so sorry. Do what you need to do and be kind to yourself.

For those of you who do get a BFP (Big Fat Positive) to then start bleeding or spotting you're suddenly in a fresh new hell. For some of you it signals the end of this time and it is so cruel for that chance to be snatched away in this way. 

For some of you its perfectly normal and you'll go on to a healthy pregnancy but it doesn't make it any less terrifying and gut dropping when it happens. Like your fertility issues won't allow you to enjoy such a momentous and beautiful time because the fear is ever present. Yes its cliché but try to enjoy it if you can.

My OH (other half) is wonderful, he is incredibly supportive and I am so lucky but he is able to get out of his head for which I am so jealous. He says to me you just need to stop thinking about it! I can not do that! Like it really is genuinely impossible for me to just shut it out but I believe that's because the womens body is designed to fuck with you! All period symptoms can also be early pregnancy symptoms, spotting vs implantation, moody or hormonal, middle of the month ovulation twinge or lack of. 

A womans physical design doesn't allow her to just forget - unless it's just me and I'm batshit crazy in which case answers on a postcard please??