IVF and Covid19

Our first round of IVF wasn't easy, no IVF is easy but ours definitely had some trickier than usual parts. 

In February we started our 1st round. We did a long protocol, this meant that before we started stimulation drugs for egg retrieval I took a daily injection of a down regulation drug called buserilin to "quieten down" my system. I was advised this would be for about 3 weeks with a scan to see how we were getting on. Down regulation drugs typically provide you with all the symptoms of menopause, hot flushes, mood swings, headaches and pains etc. etc. so fun as you can imagine. That being said I think I was quite lucky, yes there were some middle of the night sweaty moments, and not of the fun variety! And some beastly headaches but I was still quite excited that we were doing something! The next chapter of our journey had started.

During this time coronavirus was on the rise big time in China and Italy which provided us with additional worries, it was in the UK but there had been no mention at this stage of imminent lockdown and what that would mean. We were concerned though and aware it could be on the cards. Did we abandon ship and redo all the (very expensive) initial tests and replace the (also very expensive) meds I'd been injecting for a while or do we crack on and hope for the best. We checked in with our clinic frequently and they were happy to continue so we continued. 

Then I developed a cyst right deep on my ovary where it shouldn't be, clinic advice was to keep going with the buserilin for another week and if it's not gone they'd conk me out and aspirate it. Coronavirus was on the rise and lockdown seemed to be more likely but the cyst needed to be treated anyway and the clinic had no intention of closing unless they had to so we continued. 

Another week, another scan, cyst still there! Booked to have it removed the following day on 25th March, all very straight forward but we were advised that the HFEA guidelines have changed and the clinic will shut on 15th April, we needed me to start bleeding in the next 6 days or we wouldn't have time to stimulate and have egg retrieval before the 15th so it would be cancelled and we have no idea when we would be able to start again. Pressure much!

 So we waited, and waited, and you've guessed it, right at the last chance, day 6, I started to bleed! Hurrah! IVF is the only thing that can make me hurrah a bleed I assure you! To the clinic, scan - Yes! the cyst has gone! Start stimulation drugs...

Stimulation drugs do as they say on the tin, stimulate your ovaries! So instead of your normal 1 a month egg you grow as many as you possibly can all at once, the more the merrier! I was on a pretty high dose as I have low amh and endometriosis. Jab away daily (while continuing my daily jab of buserilin) for as long as it takes for at least 4 follicles to reach 18-20mm in size. This is where the hormones kick in! All the hormones! Common side effects are "more emotional than usual" - understatement of the century! Aches, cramping, headaches, discomfort, sore boobs, bloating, you can think of it and it's on the list. This was the bit I was scared of, that I'd turn in to such a psycho my partner would decide he didn't want a baby with the scary exorcist lady! But... if I do say so myself, I wasn't too bad! Definitely a bit teary, quick to get upset and I didn't feel fab but the first few days were ok.

Found out after a few days at my scan that I had 19 follicles growing away, all hopefully holding a nice tidy egg - this explained why I was starting to get uncomfortable- bloated, full, crampy, it all kicked in! My only advice at this stage is lots of protein, loads of water and ride it out. If you aren't sure then ask your clinic. After 8 days I did the infamous trigger injection - ovitrelle! Not any worse of a jab than any of the others if a little cold as it was kept in the fridge! 

2 days later in for egg collection, on Easter weekend of all times, got conked out again, very nervous this time! When I came round I was in a lot of pain! A lot! All a bit blurry though to be honest! But... we got 13 eggs! We were delighted! With my amh being low we were expecting less than that so 13 was amazing! Pretty painful recovery, slight ohss but managed at home. 

The following morning we waited on the call to tell us how many have fertilised, statistically you expect at least 50% to make it. We used the ICSI method where they inject the sperm straight in to the egg due to us having limited sperm, this put us hopeful for at least 5 fertilised eggs so when we got the call to say of our 13 eggs only 2 had fertilised we were disheartened, by disheartened read spent an insane amount of time in tears. We cuddled up together, spoke to our loved ones who reassured us it only takes one and we rallied. We had 2! 2 embryos, 2 collections of cells that were both a bit of me and a bit of him. This was the closest we had ever come to any kind of "pregnant", any kind of creation bonded out of the two of us.

Both of us were still pretty worried, our odds were stacked now and we needed them to make it to day 5 to be frozen as we weren't able to do a fresh transfer thanks to corona. 

So with me still in a world of pain and brain fog and my lovely man trying all he could, in order to cheer ourselves up we made plenty of jokes and kept everything quite lighthearted, we names our embryos, Jeff and Audrey, no idea why, it just seemed funny at the time. I also began to pray, I'm catholic so prayer isn't totally unusual for me, but this time I prayed hard! I prayed for everything they meant to us, for all they represented of our future. I prayed for everyone affected by coronavirus and that it would disappear as quickly as it struck, I prayed for my man - that he was ok, as ok as can be considering, I prayed for myself that I had the strength to get through this whatever way it panned out and I bartered with the big man.. please let this work and I promise I'll raise the child a good catholic, I'll go to church more, I'll be a better human. And we waited.

Day 3 came and our embryologist wasn't a great people person. That's ok we told each other as long as she's a good embryo person! Jeff and Audrey were the right size but a bit fragmented, she said we just had to wait and see what happened on day 5. So we waited.. and worried.. and prayed and hoped! After the longest 2 days on record it was day 5, same lady on the phone but this time she sounded much gentler. They weren't doing great, they hadn't grown much more and they were more fragmented, she asked us to prepare ourselves that the round had failed but she would give them one more day. We were gutted, our loved ones told us to stop hoping, they weren't good, it wasn't going to work, don't put ourselves through the same pain again the next day. I think M was able to do that, he knew, not this time. I know I wasn't, so I hoped and I prayed and I willed with everything I could muster for them to get a bit bigger and stronger until I could take over being big and strong for them. I didn't sleep that night, I lay there imagining them in their clinical bed. I imagined them blooming over night - they just needed that extra day. I imagined them floundering, just not ready to make that next step. I know rationally and scientifically they are still a collection of cells but to me they were our pre-children and I couldn't give up until it was final.

The next day we got the call. They hadn't improved, the round had failed, our two little embryos just weren't able for it. And a bit of my heart went with them. Those tiny pieces of me and him wouldn't ever be in our arms, in the nursery we had discussed, in the cute little outfits I had pinned on pinterest, in our life at all. 

We took some time to be together, I couldn't tell our friends, M did, he was an absolute rock and took care of everything. Friends sent beautiful flowers, our family called us day in, day out to check in. 

By this point lockdown was in full swing so we weren't able to see anyone else which in many ways made it worse but in some I was glad. We didn't have to listen to the best intentioned platitudes or have the awkwardness of those that don't know how to be in such situations (through no fault of there own). Didn't have to see the pain on the faces of our loved ones who wanted this as much as we did. We were cocooned in our little bubble at home and as I sat in the garden a little white feather floated down in front of me.

The question at the end of the day... what do we do now?